In the season of Halloween with its strong theme of haunting – haunted houses, will o’the wisps, scary dreams, things that go bump in the night, I’ve become aware recently of a different sort of haunting – the way in which the emotional imprint of very old experiences can haunt one’s present, distorting and sometimes destroying present peace, satisfaction, well being. It may even instill a negative tone into current relationships.
I’m not referring to the sort of emotional turmoil that needs professional help from a qualified mental health counselor. Rather, I’m noticing a subtle tugging on emotional strings that results from misperceived identity, or misplaced attention. A current example for me is too easily feeling overlooked in the days surrounding my birthday because of a haunting recall of how my birthday was regularly ruined, year after year, in my childhood. Whatever had been promised as a treat would not materialize, no parties were ever allowed, and instead of pampered, I often became the scapegoat for something/someone else that angered my mother.
In the more than half century since, there have been any number of special events to mark various birthdays – either things I treated myself with, or that friends shared with me. Living on my own for many of those years, I learned to celebrate privately. It has come as a surprise, therefore, to find that now – in a relationship – I can be haunted by those childhood memories, and want assurance from my partner that this year, this birthday, will not be overlooked.
This particular haunting rose into awareness as I participated in a group reflection recently. I have met regularly, for over two years, with a small group of people on Zoom, most of them drawn to Quaker silent worship from a variety of backgrounds. We share our reflections on a query related to a reading. Most recently, we had all read an essay about the different ways that people center themselves, still the mind, enter prayer, or otherwise engage in the activity they consider as the way to connect with the spiritual self. The query was worded:
How do you recognize an inner prompting as coming from your spiritual center, however you identify or name that place of wisdom?
It was enlightening to hear what different people connected with in the article, and to recognize that in a way we had each read a different essay. What spoke to one had not been noticed by another. One was comfortable with the author’s implication that God, the Divine, Spirit, Eternal Love – so many different terms – is external to the author and to be sought outside oneself. Another participant described her spiritual practice as connecting with the Spirit Within. Both stated that they “just knew” because of its “ring of Truth” that an insight arose from spirit, not the mind or emotions.
I also seek inwardly for the guiding spirit, the Sound, my Eternal Teacher to make me aware of whatever it is I need to know in the moment. Most recently the birthday-related haunting served as a nudge, a prompting from within, to finally, permanently stop looking outward for validation and acknowledgment.
Now I face a different challenge – to discern why it is that subtle habits one knows need to be broken remain so hard to shed? My Teacher refers to them as golden chains, as they often seem to be positives, like concern for hearing the opinions of others, listening, and being a “good friend”. It is critical to recognize that the actions themselves are not binding. The enchainment comes from needing to know that one is appreciated for doing them.
It helps that I remind myself daily of an instruction from my Grandpa, given more than 70 years ago, that the guide to follow is that I “do right because it is the right thing to do.” Not for recognition, not for honor, not for any external reason – simply because I know that I am doing what I should when I listen inwardly and follow the Inner Voice that has never failed to guide me well. The doing becomes its own reward.
1eclecticwriter 
O.A.S.?
May 1, 2024I am woefully ignorant of the texting/social media abbreviations that increasingly occur in the crossword puzzles I used to enjoy as brain stimulation, but now too often toss aside in frustration as unsolvable unless I first take a course in Gen Z culture and textisms. On the other hand I immediately translated my first encounter with OAS – old age syndrome – in an email from a neighbor and friend of my generation even though she used it with minimal context, just saying she was “doing okay other than OAS”.
At about the same time, I interacted with the young woman whose debut website triggered my most recent post. Following from that recently posted reflection has been an extended meditation on the possible benefits of – and my strong inner resistance to – what is now often referred to as Swedish death cleaning.
(Inserted peeve: the thinks- it- knows- better- than- I- what- I -want- to -say built in grammar monitor is trying to tell me to write “following that reflection” when I do indeed mean following from as in triggered by and derived from, not just coming after in time. I hate the unavoidable, embedded, programmed critics which do not know nuance, nor formal grammar, but try to dictate how I express myself! )
Having undergone the challenge of sorting, selling, discarding or keeping my family belongings after my father’s death many years ago, I fully appreciate the kindness done to survivors by paring down beforehand. Facing the prospect of undertaking such a project myself I equally appreciate how reluctant I am to do so. At first I merely excused myself with the assessment that my energy levels weren’t up to the task (an aspect of OAS). With restricted energy and a goodly number of daily have-to’s, I want what extra energy I have used for more pleasurable activities than sorting and selling or discarding or keeping a lifetime’s accumulations. Having already lost much of what I valued as my personal history to last year’s wildfire, the items remaining seem almost vital to my sense of self.
Yet they are not. Viewed objectively, many of them simply occupy spaces that my eyes are accustomed to seeing them in. Especially the books I have read and will not reread, but keep like old friends, their covers and titles reminding me of the pleasurable time I spent with them in the past.
As I have lived with these conflicting motivations – to simplify and to keep – over the past several days an underlying perspective has emerged. I don’t think the issue is really a tension about things, but rather an inner argument about accepting or refusing to transition from one stage of life to the next. Since retiring something over three years ago, I have not enjoyed the anticipated opportunity to pursue interests that my demanding work life prevented. Covid did not help – nor did the emergence of unrelated health challenges most probably released by my reduction in stress-driven energy. (I relate to the recovering alcoholics who bemoan not being ill until they sober up.)
Looking back over these recent years of retirement, I see a person who achieved (survived) a great deal, coping not just with a health decline but two successive years of wildfire evacuations with extensive losses from the second one, while adding a stepson to my household, overseeing reconstruction of our home, and continuing my role as support to a husband focused on career advancement. Recently several people have described me as courageous. I have not thought that adjective to be descriptive of me – but perhaps they are correct? Is it courageous to push through the demands of each day while trying to be helpful to others whose needs are often urgently disruptive of my planned allocation of time and energy? Or am I just stubbornly refusing to let OAS define me?
I am aware of the often advised benefits to older people that they interact with younger ones to stay engaged and vital. For those with children and grandchildren this sort of interaction often comes naturally, especially when retirement is accompanied by relocation to be nearer to one another (the move usually also producing a paring down of things to the basic essentials). Having no children and hence no grandchildren, my recent acquisition of young step-children feels simultaneously appropriate to following this advice, but also intrusive and an interference with achieving the flexible and free “me” time I had anticipated as a retirement reward.
“Man proposes, God disposes.”
Now I wait, trying to do so patiently, for inner guidance on how to balance my desire to still be the younger version of myself, physically active and energetic throughout the day, meeting the needs of family – with also taking time for myself and my long postponed travel and new learning interests that were the promise of retirement. Often, so far, it seems that I am that courageous “doing” person from my 6AM rising until about 2 in the afternoon, when I become an exemplar of OAS, using the description to excuse resting on the couch, reading and extending my Wordle and FreeCell streaks. Not the image of myself I would choose – but apparently the one I need to accept.
For now, so be it.
Tags:adages, aging, courage, inter-generational interaction, retirement, self-acceptance
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