The first truly winter snow of the season , earlier in January, caused me to miss an appointment and reschedule several days of plans as I was confronted with yet another after-effect of this year’s wildfire (not the big one that consumed most of northeastern NM last year but the much smaller one that did in about ten of us who had been only slightly singed the first time around) in that my four wheel drive Envoy was crisped and I have not yet been able to replace it. I am grateful to have friends who enabled the rescheduling, and I did appreciate the gift of a quiet couple days at home.
The rebuilding process has been arduous – delay after delay, poor or no communication as to why, piles of building materials blocking the entrance to my house and creating what has felt like a fiercely threatening fall hazard for my achy body. Thankfully the worst of that danger has been removed as some of the materials just went into a new carport – still unfinished but of some partial use protecting my car these winter days.
Taught to look for useful “takeaway” lessons in the challenges life throws at me, I find I am learning to deepen my patience and to become more clear about when to just let things be and when to push against what feels truly wrongful. In that context, I was much taken with a parable I encountered in Forgive for Good, by Dr. Fred Luskin. It is not long, so rather than summarize, I am copying it out here.
“A long time ago a village had a saint living near it. That saint walked among the hills and one day came upon a rattlesnake lying in the grass. The snake lunged with its fangs bared and made to bite the holy man. The saint smiled, and the snake was stopped by his kindness and love. The saint spoke to the rattler and asked the snake to give up biting the village’s children. He said in that way the snake would be better liked and cause less harm.
Because of the power the holy man possessed, the snake agreed to stop biting. The next week the saint walked by the same spot and saw the snake on the ground lying in a pool of its own blood. The snake used what little strength it had to admonish the saint for almost killing him. “Look what happened to me when I took your advice. I am a bloody mess. Look what happened to me when I tried to be nice and not bite, and now everyone is trying to hurt me.” The saint looked at the snake, smiled and said “I never told you not to hiss.”
I would say that the big lesson for me these past 8 months, and ongoing, is knowing when to stay quiet, and when to hiss.
A parallel ongoing lesson has to do with managing one symptom of a recently diagnosed autoimmune disorder. It causes pain but that is fairly well under control. The unpredictable deep fatigue is not. I am still sorting out how much exhaustion comes from overdoing physical activity, how much is my body’s response to weather changes (barometer body), what arises from digestion issues that the new disorder has exacerbated, and what comes from stress. On a truly bad day, I know that all four are contributing. I have learned my physical limitations, and am beginning to understand the digestion dynamics. I can do nothing about the weather – which leaves stress as the main uncontrolled variable.
Needless to say, managing a major restoration of my home is stressful. No less so is the task of letting go of a lifetime of being a planner and organizer, and instead to “go with the flow” as weather fluctuations dictate my portion of energy for any given day. Slowly I seem to be learning to sort the absolute necessities out from the list of “want to’s”, to recognize when my energy is waning, and to judge if I can take a break and resume, or need to quickly finish the few mandatory items and postpone everything else. Slowly I am learning to hear the wise inner voice that gives flawless directions for how to negotiate each day. And happily I can hear in myself the excellent indicator of impending energy collapse – nearly constant hissing.
Next step? Hear and follow the flawless directions, obviating the need to hiss.

The Cruelest Month
March 13, 2024March is the cruelest month. Despite years of knowing it is full of false promises of spring followed by bitter cold, often heavy wet dumps of snow, and chilling winds, I am unable to find balance as the temperatures swing from highs of mid sixties to lows in the teens and clouds chase away early morning sun even before I get out to feed the chickens. The persistently inconsistent weather has pushed the replacing of my septic system back and back and back again, as four consecutive days of dry weather are needed to do the work – and the delivery driver bringing the new tank has been unavailable twice, in the only weeks when those four days could be predicted. A lesson in patience that I don’t really need, after the past 9 months of being patient with an untimely contractor restoring my home from its damage in last May’s wildfire.
But maybe I should call May the cruelest month, as the Hermit’s Peak/Calf Canyon fire catastrophe of 2022 that smoked but didn’t burn me, and the 2023 Las Tusas fire that destroyed chunks of my property and damaged the house both occurred in early May. This year’s May should not be a threat, as there is not enough vegetation left to feed another wildfire. Not that insurance companies recognize that it is quite safe to insure my neighborhood now… but that’s a topic for another day.
Maybe it’s November that is cruel, forcing us out of daylight saving time and back into darkness at the end of the workday, just when we most need a bit of extra daylight to shop in preparation for the winter holidays?
No, I’ll stay with March. The hope-followed-by-disillusion cycle occurs annually and repetitively throughout the month, aggravating my already unpredictable ability to function on any given day due to an autoimmune triggered depletion of energy.
Yes, I hear you. Appreciating the immediate present is a way to cope. Detach from planning, go with the flow, all those fine sounding suggestions that do sometimes help. They don’t produce a new homeowner’s insurance policy that depends on completed restoration of the property that depends on consistent enough weather to do the exterior finishing work.
April, please hurry up and get here! Thank you.
Tags:lessons, My Life, New Mexico spring, uncertainty, weather
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